Heaven is how I feel
by baby jen
Summary: Takes place right after Carter and Abby talk on the riverside in 'Supplies and Deman' s8. Is it a Carby? Is it a Carsan? Read and find out. Baby Jen xx
1. Default Chapter

Dislaimer: A poor confused soul recently tried to convince me that the ER charcters are   
both fictional AND owned by some dude called Michael Crichton!? Well I'm WAY too smart  
to buy THAT! hehe.  
  
Spoilers-Up to Supplies and demands season 8. (takes place just after Abby and Carter have their  
little 'talk' on the riverside.  
  
AN: Could be a carby, could be carsan-could be neither. Read and find out...  
  
  
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"...You don't have to settle for anything Carter." muttered Abby as she turned to leave.   
  
As Abby began to walk away John suddenly felt a pang of remorse.  
  
"Abby-wait..."  
  
"No John-you think there's too much history!? Fine no one's asking you to  
'settle' -I sure as hell am not. "  
  
John grabbed her arm and faced her.  
  
"Well, wait a minute, how do you think I feel? All you do is talk about Luka-Luka  
this, Luka that...it's like I'm the one YOU decided to just 'settle for' 'cause I certainly  
don't feel like I come first. How do you think that makes ME feel?"  
  
"I don't know -you never talk to me anymore so how the hell am I supposed to know  
how you feel?" she retorted back looking him straight in the eyes.  
  
"Maybe I'd be able to to talk to you if you weren't always looking over my shoulder  
at Luka!" he threw back beginning to raise his voice a little.  
  
"Oh and you think you haven't done the same thing with Susan Lewis!?"  
  
"What does she have to do with anything?"  
  
Abby put her hand on her hip before retorting:  
  
"You have the cheek to condemn me for paying more attention to Luka than you,  
when you do the exact same thing to me. Whenever Susan is around you haven't  
got any time for me. It's always how great she is, and how wonderful it is that she's back,  
and how she dragged you off to Yoga class or gave you a back rub. You're not the only  
one who feel like a damn consolation prize around here, Carter."  
  
"Now wait a minute, they are two totaly different situations. Susan and I are old friends.  
You and Luka were in a serious relationship-where as the relationship between Susan  
and I has always been totally platonic."  
  
"Has it Carter?" accused Abby.  
  
"What?" Carter blinked.  
  
"Are trying to tell me you've never felt anything for Dr. Lewis beyond friendship?" her tone becoming harder.  
  
"What? Of course. Well..."  
  
"Well what? If you respect me at all you'll be honest-I deserve at least that." fumed Abby.  
  
Carter turned away from her for a moment before replying.  
  
"Once, a long-LONG time ago I had a crush on her..."  
  
"And did she reciprocate those feelings for you?"  
  
"Huh? No-she was a doctor I was just a med student. "  
  
"So nothing ever happened!?"  
  
"No....well...once we nearly kissed. I was going to kiss her. But SHE called it off and we were  
just firm friends ever since. That's ALL. I was young-it didn't mean anything..."  
  
  
"Whatever Carter-the point is you DID have feelings for her-and frankly it seems to me like you still do.  
Not so long ago on this very spot you tell me you have feelings for me, you hand me an ultimatem-WHICH I fulfill  
and just when things seem to be going well SHE shows up and everything changes...seems   
like I'm not the only one with 'too much history' Carter."   
  
With that she continued to walkaway leaving Carter alone by the bench-just as he had done not so long ago.  
  
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As she walked back to the ER Abby was fuming with anger. But beneath it she was also hurting inside.  
She had thought things were going well with her and John. She was sure they'd end up going out.  
  
*Then that stupid Susan had to show up and ruin everything. Damn her. Who the hell is she  
to command such attention form Carter. Where had she been during his recovery form the stabbing?  
During his recovery form addiction? Hell-*I* was the one supporting him. He practically owes me his  
life-why the hell can't I have his love? I deserve at least more attention and respect in any case.   
  
He acts as though our friendship means nothing anymore. Like it was convenient so long as he needed  
me-but now that he's off probation and everything-he doesn't have the time of day for me. I dunno...  
  
Ok Maybe-I'm exagerating-but damn it, why does this always happen to me. Nothing can go right-  
SOMETHING has to screw things up just when they are going so well.  
  
And HER of all people. That domineering self absorbed doctor. Always ordering me around like I'm  
some candy striper assisstant.*  
  
Abby took a deep breath-feeling saturated in her own pain and self pity.   
  
*Forget it-I will NOT let it get to me. If he wants to be that way-then fine-HIS loss. He's being arrogant  
and self centred and selfish and..*  
  
She sighed.  
  
*So why do I love him so much?*  
  
**********************************************  
Love sometimes can be like destiny,  
There's no way to say forever,  
You may not realise your dreams,  
  
I have broken all the rules of love'  
I never dreamed that I could come this far'  
  
And now im lost in my emotion'  
You're becoming my devotion'  
  
There's nothing I can do to stop this love for you.  
  
I was not supposed to fall in love with you,  
I had someone else,  
Someone else is loving you.  
  
... I was not supposed to let this love get through.  
*********************************************************  
  
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Carter sat by the river a few minutes more-lost in thought.  
  
Abby was just over reacting. I mean-he didn't have feelings for Susan, they were just old friends. Like  
he and Abby had been....ok bad example. But no Abby was just being paranoid.  
  
Sheesh-why did everything always have to be so complicated? Why couldn't Abby and he just got together in the first place?  
Then there'd be no Luka to worry about, no Susan to worry about. Not that there was anything to worry about where  
Susan was concerned-no, Abby was dead wrong about that. Wasn't she?  
  
*OK-so I liked her a long time ago. Big deal. That was nothing. I was young kid. She was my teacher.  
It didn't mean a thing. Just a minor infatuation. Nothing ever came of it-and besides I don't even feel that way  
anymore. Do I?  
  
Of course I don't-she's just paranoid-and has no reason to be either.  
  
Hell if anybody should feel paranoid it should be me. Like she said they were together a whole year-there has  
to be history. But it just feel like there's too much. I mean she clearly still cares abou him-and frankly  
I think he does too. For her.   
  
Maybe I'm over reacting. Yeah she does seem to obsess over him lately-more so than when they were a couple!   
Maybe....maybe it's only natural and she just needs time. It's possible it's just a transitional phase. *  
  
Carter frowned as he thought it over.  
  
*Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon. We should probably both step back a little.  
She has come out of a serious relationship-she probably should take some time to herself.   
Yeah-that sounds like a good idea-give her time, after all like Susan said-I don't wanna end  
up being the rebound guy.  
  
Gosh I love Susan that way, she always seem to know just what to...Oh God I didn't mean love her-  
LOVE her. I just meant...I'm not sure what I meant.*  
  
**************************************************  
Love sometimes is like flowing wind,  
It can take us to wherever,  
Sending us on wings.  
  
I have broken all the rules of love'  
I never dreamed that I could come this far'  
  
And now im lost in my emotion'  
You're becoming my devotion'  
  
There's nothing I can do to stop this love for you.  
  
I was not supposed to fall in love with you,  
I had someone else,  
Someone else is loving you.  
  
... I was not supposed to let this love get through.  
*****************************************************  
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AN: Well would you like to see more? Let me know what you think. Will it be a carby? Will it be a carsan?  
Will it be something else? Wait and see. If you wanna see how it carries on then just fill in that little 'ol review box!!  
Baby jen xx  
  
PS. Lyrics were taken from Heaven is how I feel -Gloria Estefan. 


	2. Chapter 2

Upon arriving home Abby was fed up of thinking about the whole situation.   
  
She had been unable to erase it from her mind at work. Now she was at home she wanted nothing more than  
to just sit down be able to forget about Carter.  
  
But it was so hard. He knew her better than she thought she knew herself. No one had ever really  
taken time to get to know her-accept her. But Carter had. He had embraced all that she was as a friend-  
always been kind and supportive and considerate.   
  
*So why did things have to change?* she thought miserably.   
  
*Maybe we're better off as friends. I mean we never had any problems before. Perhaps we  
are screwing up a good friendship by thinking about a relationship.*  
  
No-she assured herself-it wasn't about that; it was about that Lewis woman. Not so long ago she had  
still thought of Carter as a type of soul mate. From the time he'd asked her to be his sponsour to   
the day he'd helped her smuggle in a damn fish tank-she'd always felt a deep connection. Something she'd  
just never felt with anyone else. Things had only changed since Susan returned.  
  
*Maybe I should forget about the whole thing.* she pondered. *If he wants to be with that *woman* then  
fine, let her have him. It's his loss.*  
  
It brought her a fleeting sense of comfort to be able to think that. But it was short lived. Underneath it all  
she didn't want to let go. She couldn't let go.  
  
Her thoughts were interrupted by the telephone.  
  
She picked it up gingerly.  
  
"H-Hello?" she asked nervously.  
  
"Abby?"  
  
She sighed-uncertain whether or not it was out of disspointment or relief.  
  
"Yeah it's me, hi Luka."  
  
"I just wanted to see if you were OK. You seemed quite upset when you left the hospital."  
  
"I'm fine-why do you care?" she uttered defensively.  
  
"Abby, I just do. Why are you getting defensive?" she replied in his thck foreign accent.  
  
She shut her eyes feeling regret at having been so short with him.  
  
"I'm sorry Luka-I'm just...just having 'one of those days', you know?"  
  
"I see" he replied not really believing her. "Abby?"  
  
"I never stopped caring. I always cared-I still do. It was because I cared I thought it was best if we...  
you know, parted ways. I only want you to be happy. You never seemed happy with me." he said in  
soft tone.  
  
Suddenly he heard her sob at the other end of the phone.  
  
"Abby-what's the matter, why are you crying?"  
  
"Oh -i-it's nothing Luka, OK I'm just tired and...that's all it is."  
  
"The hell it is, I'm coming over."  
  
"Luka don't be silly..."  
  
"I'm not being silly, you just sound as if you could use a friend right now. I'll bring muffins." he quipped   
smiling his half crooked smile as he always did when cracking a joke.  
  
"...Ok, thanks." she muttered feeling an overwhelming need to take comfort on a friendly shoulder.  
Not that she could ever reach his shoulder.  
  
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Meanwhile.....  
  
John had stayed out on the riverside longer than he'd intended to before finally setting off for home.  
  
He had been unable to quiet the burning question in mis mind. Did he still feel something for Susan?  
  
Of course not-we're friends. Just friends. It was Abby he liked. It was Abby that he'd harboured feelings for-for   
over a year. He didn't have those feelings for Susan.  
  
Then it occured to him that if he didn't-WHY didn't he?  
  
*Let's think about this rationally.* he thought playing devil's advocate.  
  
*Abby is sill clearly hung up on luka-God knows when or if she'll ever get over that. Meanwhile Susan  
is a brilliant woman. She's smart, she's funny-she makes me laugh. She's kind and sweet.  
She's beautiful...and when she flashes that wide grin of hers she can light up a room. And we   
clearly enjoy eachother's company. So why don't I pursue her instead?*  
  
He needed ponder it only a second, for he well knew the answer.  
  
*She's not *Abby*.*  
  
At the end of it all-you can't choose love. Love chooses you.   
  
*Well-the heart wants what it wants.* he thought as he made his mind up. He wasn't about  
to let Abby go. He wasn't giving up on her so easily.  
  
She had been his guardian angel. He had been hers. She had guided him through the rocky roads of  
recovery from his addiction-and probably saved his life. He had been her support when her mother  
had gone A-wall. He'd been there for her-like she had been there for him.  
  
They'd always had a place in eachother's hearts that nobody else could touch. Not Susan. Not Rena.  
Not anyone, Not even Luka.  
  
It suddenly dawned on him. He and Abby had a deeper history. One that transcended her relationship with Luka.  
If only she had some time to adjust or something-he knew they could make this work.  
  
Time. There is never enough of it. He had wasted so much-he'd be damned if he wasted anymore.  
  
He changed lanes in his car and and turned off in the direction of Abby's department.  
  
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Meanwhile back at Abby's apartment...  
  
Abby answered her apartment door to find Luka standing there as promised with a bag of blue berry muffins.  
  
"Oh-Luka, you know-you didn't have to do this."  
  
"What are friends for?" he quipped flashing his crooked smile.  
  
She couldn't help but smile back.  
  
"Well nonetheless I appreciate it. " she said warmly before adding a little cautiously: "What does Nicole  
think about this."  
  
"This?"  
  
"You know-running off at all hours of the night to meet your ex girlfriend." she laughed.  
  
Luka laughed and replied: "She's cool."  
  
"So I see. You like her?" she asked earnestly before sitting down and munching on a muffin.  
  
Luka paused a moment as he sat down opposite her. He seemed lost in thought for a moment.  
  
"She's a lovely person but we're just friends. But..."  
  
"You hope there might be something more?" she finnished.  
  
He scratched his head and chuckled: "Yeah. Yeah that's right." He smiled again and laughed.  
  
"What's so funny?" she giggled.  
  
"It occurs to me that we get along so much better when we're NOT a couple. Before we could never seem  
to tell what the hell the other was thinking and now you're finnishing my sentences for me!"  
  
They laughed at the ironic situation they found themselves in.  
  
"Well if anything at least in that case we KNOW we made the right choice!" she said.  
  
"Guess you're right." He raised a muffin in a fake toast gesture as they laughed again.  
  
"What about you and Carter?" he asked seemingly out of the blue.  
  
"Huh?" she exclaimed in surprise.  
  
"You like him." :Luka said in more of of a matter a fact tone than as a question.  
  
"Oh-uh..." she stammered a little. "Yeah-we're great friends..."  
  
"You just hope it's something more?"   
  
She didn't answer for a moment. She seemed lost in her thought before replying.  
  
"Yeah-guess so." she shrugged.  
  
"Well-if he's lucky-it'll all work out. He's a fool if he doesn't see how amazing and special you are."  
  
"I thought I wasn't that pretty OR special." she said in a strained voice.  
  
Luka looked embarrased as Abby quickly realised what she'd blurted.  
  
"Sorry..." she began.  
  
"No-*I* am sorry." interrupted Luka. "I was wrong to say such things. "  
  
He took her hand in his and said: "Nothing could be further from the truth!"  
  
She let the tears that she'd fought back fall freely now as Luka took her into a friendly embrace.  
  
"There-there Abby-it'll work out. For both of us."  
  
"Thanks." she uttered not sure what else to say. She held onto him extending the friendly embrace   
a little-as she really felt the need to be comforted right now.  
  
"ABBY!?"  
  
They broke apart abruptly to see a figure standing in the door way. They'd forgotten to lock the door.  
  
"Carter! John...John wait, it's not what it looks like..wait!!" she wailed in desperation.  
  
But it was too late. Carter had seen what he'd seen and come to his own conclusions.  
He walked down the stairs and out of the door-out into the night.  
  
  
  
  
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To be continued.  
  
Please R&R and let me know what you think. Thanx baby jen. 


	3. Chapter 3

Carter walked angrilly-with each step the pain of what he just saw becoming more  
and more prominent in his weary heart.  
  
What a fool he'd been to have believed she really was over Luka. Please. He had been right before-  
there simply was too much history and it was never going to work.  
  
He started his car and jetted off to where he should have gone in the first place; Susan's apartment.  
  
As he drove he felt the anuish in his stomach-in his mind and in his heart. How hateful of Abby  
to lead him on like that-only to crush him. It never occurred to him to believe her-that it truly wasn't  
what he thought. He was too upset to think straight. And too stubborn to listen.  
  
As he pulled up outside her door he paused a moment-the car ride having cooled him down a touch.  
  
*is this really what I want?*  
  
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Meanwhile back at Abby's apartment...  
  
"Oh God-Luka, what have I done?"  
  
"Abby-I'm sorry-you were right I shouldn't have come." apologised Luka in haste as he gathered his stuff.  
  
Abby barely heard him as she allowed herself to collapse onto the sofa in defeat.  
  
"Abby-I'm going now-but please listen. Carter is a fool if he doesn't..."  
  
"Get out." she said quietly.  
  
"Abby..." he pleaded.  
  
"GET OUT!" she screamed before dropping her head in her hands and crying.  
  
She angrilly wiped away her tears as Luka exited her apartment.  
  
How hateful of Carter. How hateful of him to put her through this. Hell she'd practically carried  
hime through his recovery-saved his life even and this is how he'd repaid her. By reducing her to tears  
despair. Who the hell does he think he is?  
  
*I'm Abby Lockheart damnit-I'm made of tougher stuff than this.* Her mind screamed angrilly.  
  
But alas her emotions could not be quietened. She was filled with an overwhelming sense of   
depression.   
  
For once in her life she thought she'd be happy.   
  
She thought she'd found someone who understood her.  
  
What the hell happened?  
  
The urge to drink was almost suffocating-but she resisted it with every fibre of her being.   
  
Finally she fell asleep-and was lost in the world of dreams.  
  
  
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Meanwhile......  
  
  
*Of course it's what I want.* thought Carter becoming irritated with his inability to make up his mind.  
  
He walked up to the door and knocked loudly and with a false sense of confidence.  
  
After a few minutes the door opened and a young man stood in the door way with a sheet wrapped around his waist.  
  
"Can I help you?" asked the man slightly impatiently.  
  
"Uh...is Susa...Dr Lewis home?" replied Carter sheepishly feeling like a lost child.  
  
"Carter-is that you? What are you doing here." he heard Susan answer as she approached the door in a robe.  
  
The man put his arm wround Susan and kissed her lightly on her cheek as Susan motioned for Carter to answer.  
  
"Uh...yeah. Just wanted to...to ask if you could cover my shift tomorrow morning?"  
  
"Yeah-fine-why?" susan said almost at once.  
  
"I just....I just...I just have somewhere to be. That's all." he muttered.  
  
"OK-whatever-be there by 2.00pm." she said as the door shut leaving Carter standing there on the porch.  
  
  
He felt an emotion overwhelm his sense. It passed over him in an instant wave and he knew what it was that  
he felt.  
  
Relief.  
  
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Abby woke up the following morning and for an instant she forgot about what happened the previous night.  
  
Then the memories came flooding back. And that heavy sick feeling in her stomach returned with a vengence.  
  
*What do I do know?* she thought wearily.  
  
Then it occured to her.   
  
She got up, brushed her teeth, ran a brush through her hair...and began to pack.  
  
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To be continued...  
  
What do you think? Baby jen x 


	4. Chapter 4

That same morning Carter pulled into work-his mind swimming with confusion.  
  
Last night-seeing Susan with another man. He had felt nothing. More than nothing-he'd felt relief.  
  
He'd almost made a terrible mistake-just like he had all those years before when he'd almost kissed her.  
And just like those years before-fate had stepped in and lent a hand-showing him the truth.  
  
He loved Susan...like a big sister. Not a lover.   
  
But seeing Abby with Luka? Relief was the last thing he could have felt.   
  
It had angered him. Upset him-it pained him. In truth it broke his heart to see her in his arms.  
It was more than petty jealousy-it was the deep felt anguish and despair only felt by the broken hearted.  
  
He didn't just have feelings for her. It was more than frienship-more than chemistry. It was love.  
  
He loved her. It hurt so much-it could only be love. But did he love her enough to risk being hurt again?  
  
He was fed up of thinking about it. He decided he'd take a few days break from the subject. To clear  
his head-and get some perspective. Maybe he was overthinking the whole situation.  
  
"Hey Carter!" his thoughts were interrupted by Haleh as he walked in the entrance to the admit desk.  
  
"Yeah Haleh?"  
  
"Weaver says for you to discharge the head lack guy in 4."  
  
"Whatever-why can't she do it?"  
  
"She's trying to find somebody to fill Abby's place on the nursin' staff."  
  
"What-why, she back at med school?"  
  
"Na-ah, she leavin' for Florida this morning. Gettin' the train at 11.00, just called in a little while ago."  
  
"Wah? What-why? no-oh my God-Oh my GOD-i...i gotta go."  
  
"You what? You just got here!"  
  
"I'm sorry I gotta go."  
  
Carter jumped into his car and raced as fast as he could tpo the Chicago Train station. He looked at his watch,  
The train was at 11.00. He had only 5 minutes.  
  
*She can't move to Florida-she can't . Oh my God I can't lose her now. How could I have been so  
stubborn? How could I be so stupid? Why didn't I just listen to her. Damnit-I won't let her go.*  
  
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Finally carter pulled into the station parking lot. 5 minutes left.   
  
Carter ran as fast as his legs would take him-until he saw her standing at the side of the platform about to board  
the train.  
  
"ABBY!" he yelled. "ABBY! WAIT!"  
  
Abby turned around shocked to see a gasping and worn out Carter standing bvefore her.  
  
"Carter-what are you doing here?" she said almost indignantly.  
  
"Abby-wait please, don't go- I don't want you to go." Carter said as he clutched her hands desperately by the  
side of the platform.  
  
"Carter it seems to me you don't know what the hell you want..." said Abby attempting to slip away.  
  
"You're wrong-I want you." Carter   
  
"Carter I don't have time for this..."  
  
"Abby- listen to me." Carter said as he looked into her eyes-feeling for the first time in ages a feeling  
of utter clarity and certainty."  
  
"Abby- I love you. I've never loved anyone the way I love you. You...you complete me.  
When I was lost in a hell of drugs and depression-YOU lifted me out. You were with me every step of the way.  
You never gave up on me-you were my angel. And I love you. "  
  
"Carter you don't love me-you love the *idea* of me maybe but you don't love *me*..."  
  
"Yes I do. I love you."   
  
He held her hands softly as he smiled-speaking directly to her heart.  
  
"I love the way you hate getting up in the mornings. The way you scratch the back of your  
head when you're nervous. I love how you love dead flowers. I love the way you laugh.   
I love the way you gobble down hot fudge sundaes!!I love that you're so complicated.  
I love the way you carry yourself. With beauty and grace. I love the way you are. I love you."  
  
She stood unable to speak. He had caught her so helplessly off guard that she was stunnned.  
Just yesterday he had practically accused her of the whole business with Luka saying he  
didn't want this-and now here he was at a train station professing his *love* for her.  
  
As if reading her mind he said quickly:   
  
"I don't care about Luka-I don't care about Susan-the only thing that matters to me is that you get off this  
platform and come home with me. If I lost you I wouldn't just be losing my best friend-I'd be losing  
the love of my life. Do you hear me? I won't walk away from this. I won't lose you. If you love me  
you'll stay. "  
  
He put his hands and cupped her face looking into her warm brown eyes-that were now tearful.  
  
"Abby-do you love me?"  
  
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To be continued....  
  
  
Well folks-what say you? Does she love him??? 


	5. Chapter 5

She closed her eyes and replied almost instantly.  
  
"Yes-y-yes!!"  
  
With that she threw her arms around his neck and burried her head into his strong chest.  
  
He put his arms around her-rubbing her back slowly with one hand-and holding the back of her  
head with the other. He gently kissed the top of her head and shut his eyes-relishing this moment-  
not wanting to let go. His mind raced-and his heart sang. Neither of them ever wanted to let go.  
  
Then he asked quietly.  
  
"So you'll stay? You won't move to Florida?"  
  
"Move to Florida?" she exclaimed in surprise looking up at him.  
  
"Yeah you...you were planning on moving to Florida right?"  
  
Abby burst into a fit of giggles.  
  
"You-y-you thought I was moving? haha-Carter I'm not moving anywhere-I just wanted to get away for  
a few days-think things over. You can't get rid of me that easily!! Ha-ha....you thought I was leaving!!??"  
  
"Oh man...I'm gonna kill Haleh. Oh man... Oh man..."  
  
"Aww...you're blushing!" she teased him running her hand along his cheek.  
  
"Am not!" he insisted trying not laugh.  
  
"Are too!"  
  
"I SO am not!"  
  
"Oh Carter .. I love you-you big dork!"  
  
"Hey!! Dork? Me-why..."  
  
"John?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Shut up and kiss me!"   
  
  
  
With that-their lips met. At long last.  
  
  
  
*************************************************  
...I was not supposed to fall in love with you.  
  
...I was not supposed to let this love get through.  
  
...But let me say for real,   
  
Heaven is how I feel when I'm with you.  
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THE END (or is it?)  
  
  
Well folks-hope you enjoyed it!!  
Please review-and c u soon!   
  
Would you like to see another chapter?  
  
Baby Jen xx 


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